May 26

I took no photos again today.  So unusual for me.

I'm so weary now of the bed on the patio that once excited me.  The excitement has worn off and I am weary of getting up off the ground.  It is not easy to get up off of that mattress on the ground.  I am weary of the dogs barking off into the yard in the middle of the night.  I am weary of pending storms, although we enjoyed watching them from the patio when it did happen, the worry of an even stronger storm and our mattress getting wet and the unknown is draining.

I wake up and blog about the day before.  I am behind again, but enjoying the blogging process.  Is anyone really reading?  I suppose it doesn't matter.  It takes up a lot of my time though that I could be doing other things.

It is back to work day and I realize small group is coming in the evening.  There is so much stuff in the living room we cannot sit in there and I'm not keen on having them sit on the patio with the mattress still there.  I observe the bedroom and realize that where the repair was done on the scratches it needs one more coat and the walls that were painted have spots that were missed that need patching.  It sort of looks like an intentional texture with the shades of green on the wall.

I debate with myself and decide to wake up hubby.  I know he needs his sleep as he requires so much more than me and I always try to let him get sleep while I have my "being time" in the quiet.  However, I realize he really needs to get up and do these final fixes in the bedroom so it can dry so we can move the bed back in over my lunch hour so small group has a place to go.  So I wake him up and share with him what I see which takes up the rest of my morning time.

At lunch time, we did move the bed frame and mattress back into the bedroom, although the walls still do not look right, but we figure we can always work on them more if we want in the future.  My laptop was also moved back in on its stand, but it took a while to clean the stand and all the stuff on it, as well as the electrical box.  How do these things get so yucky and why do I never clean them along the way?  How am I living in this mess and it be okay?

In mid-afternoon I got a text from one of those in small group indicating it would be her last because of her full calendar and expectations for other things starting up in the Fall.  This was very much unexpected and it hit like a rock.  Her close friend already misses many evenings and so that only leaves two of us, instead of four.  I was so hopeful it would grow a little, but instead, we are down to two which is a little too small for a small group.

I've had this desire for a long time to do a small group where the focus is on prayer time and the time I have had with these other three ladies has been a blessing.  I've had some awesome time together in prayer and Bible study in my home with these ladies.

However, my conscience that always worries about what people think about me has been working on me in the last few months.  I wonder if this is a sign that my thoughts have been true.  I am suffering through that rejection thing again that God keeps testing me with over and over my entire life.  My mind keeps going over all these little things that I might have said or done that may have weighed the decision.  Of course, they have said nothing wrong and have never voiced anything, but I get the gut feeling, and have had the gut feeling for a while, that there are things.

I know they have been gracious about my dogs who have no manners and get in faces and laps at their own will, or interrupt prayer time to ask to go outside just for attention.  This could be one issue and I suppose for me it means that people do not feel comfortable in my home.  As much as I would like people to want to come to my home and feel at home and comfortable, that may never be.

I brought up the issue at the group time with the other remaining member and just listened.  It was decided by the remaining member and a member leaving that we would take a break for the summer and start up again in the Fall and put something in the bulletin such as a planning meeting for a small group in hopes to get new ladies who would decide together on the best night and where to meet.

Here I sat, thinking that it was best to just end it, and it was decided for me what to do.  I suppose there is a fine line between leading and being a listening leader.  Now I don't know what to do but to give it time and pray about it and decide in a few months what to do.  My heart is telling me that I cannot subject myself yet again to more people who will eventually reject me for things I do not know how to keep myself from doing that always turns people away from me.

Yes, I am in another small couples group with these same ladies and will continue to attend that monthly, but will always feel more refrained and withdrawn always wondering what is really thought about me.  In fact, it is bringing thoughts to my mind about withdrawing in many ways and other events and just doing the shell activities.  I just want to hide away in my own home away from people.

Some day I will learn to only care about what Jesus thinks about me and not what people think about me, but I live in this world and I am human and sinful and will continue this struggle until I am called to heaven.

I'm trying not to feel down right now, but I am, and will just lean on Jesus for a while until I ride it out until better days.  My house being a mess and unorganized, the closing of a door of a desire/dream, and some physical pain have left me on a downward slope of this life as a roller coaster.  However, in comparison to those who have lost their homes and lives in the flooding in Oklahoma and Texas, my problems are minuscule.  This too shall pass.  The roller coaster will begin it's upward slope again soon.  It always does.

My plan is to continue this "being time" and waiting to hear from God what He wants me to be doing.

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