Deep Observations on Life (Useless, but Deep)

1) When I die, I want to die like my grandfather who died peacefully in his sleep. Not screaming like all the passengers in his car.
Author Unknown

2) If you have a lot of tension and you get a headache, do what it says on the aspirin bottle:"Take two aspirin" and "Keep away from children."
Author Unknown

3) "Oh, you hate your job? Why didn't you say so? There's a support group for that. It's called EVERYBODY, and they meet at the bar."
Drew Carey

4) "The problem with the designated driver program is that it's not a desirable job. So, if you ever get suckered into doing it, have fun with it. At the end of the night, drop everyone off at the wrong houses."
Jeff Foxworthy

5) "If a woman has to choose between catching a fly ball and saving an infant's life, she will choose to save the infant's life without even considering if there is a man on base."
Dave Barry

6) "Relationships are hard. They're like a full time job, and we should treat them like one. If your boyfriend or girlfriend wants to leave you, they should give you two weeks notice, and the day before they leave you, they should have to find you a temp."
Bob Ettinger

7) "My Mom said she learned how to swim when someone took her out in the lake and threw her off the boat. I said, 'Mom,they weren't trying to teach you how to swim.'"
Paula Poundstone

8) "A study in the Washington Post says that women have better verbal skills than men. I just want to say to the authors of that study: Duh."
Conan O'Brien

9) "Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant? I'm halfway through my fish sandwich, and I suddenly realize.... Oh My God.... I could be eating a slow learner!"
Lynda Montgomery

10) "I think I know how Chicago got started. A bunch of people in New York said, 'Gee, I'm enjoying the crime and the poverty, but it just isn't quite cold enough. Let's go west.'"
Richard Jeni

11) "If life were fair, Elvis would still be alive and all the impersonators would be dead."
Johnny Carson

12) "Sometimes I think that war is God's way of teaching us geography."
Paul Rodriguez

13) "My parents didn't want to move to Florida, but they turned sixty and as we all know, that's the law."
Jerry Seinfeld

14) "Remember in elementary school, you were told that in case of fire you have to line up quietly in a single file line from smallest to tallest. What is the logic in that? I mean, do tall people burn slower or something?"
Warren Hutcherson

15) "Bigamy is having one wife/husband too many. Monogamy is the same thing."
Oscar Wilde

16) "Suppose you were an idiot ... And suppose you were a member of Congress... But then, I repeat myself."
Mark Twain

17) "Our bombs are smarter than the average U.S. high school student. At least THEY can find Afghanistan."
A. Whitney Brown

18) "Women need a reason to have sex. Men just need a place."
Billy Crystal

19) "You can say any foolish thing to a dog, and the dog will give you a look that says, 'My God, you're right - I never would've thought of that - WOW You're so great!'"
Dave Barry (who apparently has a dog instead of a wife)

20) Do you know why they call it "PMS"? Because "Mad Cow Disease" was already taken.
Author Unknown and presumed deceased.

Comments

anitab said…
Oh dear! I kept thinking 'that's terrible' but I was laughing!
:)

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